


pulled down by your tide

by misskatieleigh, rogueshadows



Category: Y tu mamá también (2001)
Genre: Angst, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Missing Scene, Road Trips, Slurs, Tenoch is an asshole, Yelling, fighting about bullshit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-10
Updated: 2017-11-10
Packaged: 2019-01-31 11:08:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 11,090
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12680658
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/misskatieleigh/pseuds/misskatieleigh, https://archiveofourown.org/users/rogueshadows/pseuds/rogueshadows
Summary: The ride home from Boca de Cielo told in two points of view.





	1. Tenoch

**Author's Note:**

> Welcome to the ongoing Y Tu Mamá También feels renaissance I am suffering through. I dragged Katie into writing this with me and could never be more grateful that she indulged me. 
> 
> I wrote the Tenoch half, the gorgeous Julio half is hers.

With everything packed there was no way to avoid being in the closed space of the car together. Julio climbed into the driver’s side, offering to take the first shift. Tenoch agreed easily, still feeling sick and aware that he probably couldn’t focus on the road if he’d tried. He almost took the backseat to feign sleep, but something about the tightness in his chest won’t let him. Maybe it’s the fact that when he shuts his eyes all that flood back are the images of the night before. Part of him wishes he had been more drunk, at least then he could discount the way he’d eagerly sighed into Julio’s mouth, or perhaps block it out entirely. 

If it bothers Julio he doesn’t say. He simply starts the engine and kicks the car into reverse until they can turn off the deep sand onto the more even dirt path. Out here, everything still feels strangely beyond the world Tenoch is so used to, of pavement and brick walls. When they first arrived in Oaxaca it had been a reprieve, but now it just feels isolating, leaving him open to attack. He feels less solid with the sea still echoing through the window. The salt air and heat catch in his lungs as a heady reminder of how Julio’s skin had tasted. He reaches for the bottle of water between them and takes gulping sips as if he can erase the phantom taste. Julio’s eyes drift to Tenoch for a moment, then focus back on the road. Tenoch clears his throat.

“Radio?” he asks, reaching for the dial already, just to be free of the silence, the sound of the road and Julio shifting beside him. Julio shrugs and Tenoch fiddles with the dial, shifting from station to station until he hits a song they both know. Tenoch nearly leaves it on, but then blurrily remembers dancing to it with Julio at one of Saba’s useless parties. Tenoch turns the dial again, stopping on a pleasantly unfamiliar tune. He pulls his hand away from the buttons, picking at the edge of his shirt still in restless energy as he turns his face away to the open window. The scenery is unfamiliar without the confusion of the map or Luisa there to distract. They pass tall grass and roadside stands in a blur of too bright sunlight. 

Tenoch knows it’s already been too long, but he wonders if maybe talking could ease the ache in his chest, just to have some normal basis of interaction rather than the lasting image of Julio’s lips trailing down his stomach. He wants to talk about Luisa, joke about how easy she’d been. It feels wrong now, like they both know her and each other too well.

“Your sister is probably going to bitch about all the sand in the car,” Tenoch tries.

“Probably,” Julio answers, “she owes me though. For not telling mom about her almost getting arrested.” 

“Yeah, that’s fair.” Tenoch says, bereft of anywhere to go from there, not knowing why he’d started on something that barely mattered anyway. He feels frustrated in himself in a way he rarely was. He hates caring what other people think and feels suffocated with whatever Julio must have on his mind now, or worse, what he must _not_ based on his placid demeanor. Though he’d shot Tenoch a few glances that could only be described as searching, talking to Luisa over breakfast had been an easy diversion. Tenoch had expected a fight once they were alone, an accusation at least. To be faced with silence felt almost like a worse slap in the face.

“Luisa seemed happy,” Julio says, taking Tenoch by surprise. “With the kids, it was sweet.”

“Yeah,” Tenoch says idiotically, “she had a good time on the beach, at least.” 

Part of Tenoch still dares him to add ‘and last night’. He wants so badly to frame it as another piece of their sordid mythology instead of something so sharply revealing. He thinks of the revisionist political world his father dwells in and for the first time in years wishes he were more like the man. Tenoch had always been good at pretending, but never at lying; his tells revealed in the flush on the tips of his ears and the nervous tick of his jaw. Tenoch could never meet anyone’s eyes when he lied and he was glad it wasn’t even an option now with Julio staring at the road ahead.

As it stood, when he thought of Luisa now he saw only her silhouette, her back and the water stretching outward. If he pressed himself he could focus in on the sound of her easy laugh over breakfast, the way she’d smiled at the little girl in her lap like she’d always belonged there on the beach. 

“When we get home Saba is going to be jealous we didn’t invite him,” Tenoch tries. The statement feels distant enough from the events Tenoch wishes he could overwrite. In reality, Saba had probably forgotten about Tenoch and Julio’s trip entirely by then.

“I think he’ll just be shocked we got anywhere with his bullshit directions,” Julio answers lightly.

“Do you even know how to get back?” Tenoch asks. Half of him wishes Julio will say no, just to give Tenoch an excuse to bury himself in the map. 

“Well enough, if we get off track we’ll be back towards a town soon enough.” Julio says, “Chuy gave pretty good directions anyway.” Tenoch nods, he’d barely remembered the fisherman’s name.

It’s miles before either say another word, Tenoch grimacing and changing the music a few times in between just for something to do. Eventually Tenoch opens the glove box as a distraction and is glad to find the somewhat crunched pack of cigarettes Julio’s sister had stashed there. He pulls out the carton and slides one out before cursing. Julio looks over.

“Do you have a lighter?”

“In my bag in the back, I think, one sec.” Julio pulls off in a place not unlike where he’d fucked Luisa in the backseat. He half expects Julio to stay in place and tease Tenoch to go look for it himself, but he gets out and goes to rummage through the trunk. Before Julio would have refused and joked about not spoiling him like Tenoch’s usual chauffeurs. Tenoch would have responded by telling him to go fuck himself, and depending on how petty he felt, maybe threatened to leave until he got his way.

Tenoch pops the lock on the car door up and down in distraction while he waits for Julio to return. In the distance for miles all he can see is sky and dirt and he half wonders if he’ll be on this drive for the rest of his life. Julio comes back but doesn’t get in the car, leaning against the side of the hood instead. Tenoch clicks open the lock again and gets out, going to stand by his side and passing over the pack of cigarettes wordlessly instead of reaching greedily for the lighter like he wants to. 

Julio brings a cigarette to his lips and flicks the lighter twice before getting it to work. In another life Tenoch would have stolen the cigarette from Julio’s mouth and laughed as he was cursed. Now, just looking at Julio’s lips too long felt like crossing a taboo. When Julio hands over the pack their fingers brush like lightning. Tenoch busies himself with the spit of fire, the inhale of smoke, just to deny the easy sense memory that screamed at him with every move. Without the road stretching out ahead as an excuse, Julio was definitely looking at him. Tenoch had no excuse not to look back, feeling trapped all over in the open air.

“I didn’t mean it,” Tenoch says between hasty lungfuls and the edge of nicotine.

“What?” Julio says, voice tight for the first time since Luisa had whispered that she wanted them both to stay.

“I just, last night. We were drunk, right?” Julio still watches him, cautious and confused, waiting for Tenoch to get to some point. Tenoch throws his half-spent cigarette to the dirt and stamps it out.

“What I said to you when...fuck...just forget it.” Tenoch doesn’t turn to look at the expression on Julio’s face again. He retreats back to the car and gets in, slamming the door with little satisfaction. Julio spends a while more outside, Tenoch barely makes out the curse Julio mutters when he finally gets in. Tenoch just needs to get through the day, he can do hours of silence gladly even if Julio stares. They can get separate hotel rooms. He can find another ride even, he has enough cash still saved for a bus at the very least. Tenoch doesn’t let himself sigh, simply focusing on the ragged purr of the engine as it comes back to life and the swift movement of sky as they move farther and farther away from Boca del Cielo. Julio switches the radio station and Tenoch doesn’t react, letting the dull tones of some pop act wash out into the air until it’s nothing.

***

When Tenoch wakes up it’s to raindrops pelting through the open window and a breathy curse from Julio. Tenoch opens his eyes just as Julio’s hand grasps at his shoulder, ready to shake him awake. When their eyes meet Julio pulls his hand away as if Tenoch were a leper, focusing on cranking his own window up as Tenoch does the same. He’s unsure how long he was out for and the bleak weather does nothing to clarify that.

“We’re almost to town, unless you’d rather drive through the night.” Julio says. Tenoch considers it, but he’d rather sleep anywhere than be alone with his thoughts and Julio stretched out in the rearview for hours.

“We should stop,” Tenoch says easily, like he’s being accommodating rather than feeling terrified. Tenoch just hopes the place has a bar. It’s another mile of rural land, sprinkled with small homes and shops, before they finally come upon the town. The buzz of the vacancy sign is drowned out by the rain falling hard against the roof. There’s a moment in the humid air with the engine stopped and cooling where he feels trapped in amber.

“Should we make a run for it?” Julio asks, peering through the window at the unabetting clouds. 

“Sure,” Tenoch says, “I’m showering anyways when we get in.” Julio nods.

The walk to the office is quick and yet they’re both soaked by the time they reach the door, bothering more to try and shield the bags of necessities they’d hastily claimed from the backseat. They go to the desk and Tenoch realizes that as much as he’d wanted it just hours before, he can’t abandon Julio to his own room now. Julio can’t afford it and wouldn’t take the hand out; it would make the agreement of faux normalcy they had going fall apart. Besides, it was dangerous to stay alone, he thought for Julio as well as himself. It was a cheap justification considering they’d both had no qualms leaving Luisa alone in a motel without locks on the first night of their trip.

The old woman who runs the place leads them down the hall to their room, slowed by age and taking her time. She has a grandmotherly air, he supposes, not that he’d ever gotten to know his own that well. The woman smiles kindly and asks how their trip is going. Tenoch feels awkward, opening his mouth to offer a one word answer, and is glad when Julio picks up the slack. He listens to Julio tell the woman about their trip down the beach with Luisa, leaving out a lot clearly. When she asks, Julio tells her that Luisa had loved it so much she stayed, leaving them to make the trek back alone.

“I would go to the sea as a girl too, she’s lucky to have the time,” the woman remarks. By this point Tenoch is sure she actually introduced herself at the desk but he hadn’t been listening. 

“I’m grateful we have it too. It was beautiful, I’d love to go back,” Julio says easily. Tenoch wishes he’d listened to the room number too, so he could slip past and find it himself instead of listening to every word from Julio’s mouth that he wants to contradict. He hates how Julio can just make small talk, like being stuck together after everything wasn’t eating him up inside too.

They finally reach the room, which was hardly far enough away to warrant the time the ambling woman spent guiding them. She opens the door and gives a cursory tour even though Tenoch just wants her to go already. Julio pulls out his wallet to tip her for her time, but she shakes her head.

“The young need it more and the conversation was gift enough.” Julio smiles, saying something Tenoch can’t hear and shutting the door behind her as she goes. Tenoch dumps his bag on the bed closest to the door and starts rifling through it for a change of clothes and a towel.

“Can I take the first shower?” Julio asks. Julio asking for anything Tenoch had already claimed is new and it startles him into agreement.

“I guess,” Tenoch mutters. He watches Julio grab a towel from his bag and retreat into the closet of a bathroom with a click.

Tenoch feels frustrated immediately for letting him and he flops down on the bed sullenly. He pretends the spray of the water is the rain still and shuts his eyes. He hums a song he’d heard on the radio earlier, trying to place it. Some band he’d been into in elementary school.

Nothing detracts from the fact that Julio is naked not ten feet away through thin walls. Tenoch feels nauseous, stomach overturning with tense regret as he tries to breathe. Restless through the anxiety, he stands, grabbing quarters from the bottom of his bag and barely remembering to leave the door unlocked before he takes off into the hallway. He goes to the desk and asks the dull woman if they have any vending machines.

“We do, just down the hall there and to the right. If you want a meal though I can-”

“No, thank you.” He knows his tone is clipped, but he doesn’t care much. Tenoch finds a machine and plops the change from his hand into the slot. He picks a bag of the chips he likes and, out of habit he tries to tell himself, the fruit flavored candy Julio usually enjoyed.

He takes nearly as much time going back as the woman had taken on the first torturous march to the door. When he opens it, Julio is standing by the farther bed in only his cheap white briefs. He’s going through his bag looking for something and glances up for just a moment. There’s a strange look on Julio’s face in that split second that Tenoch can’t decipher. Julio’s voice shakes when he speaks.

“I thought you’d-” Julio cuts himself off with a raw chuckle. “Nevermind.”

Tenoch picks up his bag from where it had fallen in his rush to leave, gathering his towel and a clean enough pair of shorts to bring with him. He won’t be caught in the open like Julio had been. He tosses the candy on Julio’s bed without looking up and shuts himself in the bathroom. 

The mirror is small, affixed cheaply to the wall and Tenoch is glad for it. In the shuddery fluorescent glow he looks sallow and he turns away from his reflection. It takes only a moment for the water to run hot against his hand. Julio hadn’t taken too long after all. Tenoch climbs in and wants to wash away a lifetime, sand lifting from his skin and gathering in the shallow tub for some maid to clean away. Tenoch takes his time, standing under the spray with his eyes screwed shut. He can almost pretend that he’s home in his own luxe bathroom if he doesn’t pay attention to the mildewed tile under his feet. He opens an eye to seek out the shampoo only to find Julio’s shitty dollar store bottle leaned against the edge. He lathers it through his hair and rinses through more times than he usually would, feeling drowned by how familiar this scent had been with Julio’s hair pressed up against his face as they fell asleep the night before. He stays there until the water runs cold. 

Tenoch comes out and lays on the bed without Julio saying anything, turned on his side like he’s already going to sleep. Tenoch is grateful. Julio reaches over to click out the light. Without it a dull yellow glow filters through the window, lighting the edge of Julio’s silhouette like gold filigree. Tenoch wishes that he could scream, like he had about Julio fucking Ana, maybe it would break through the tension in the room. He remembers how Julio had grovelled, begging for forgiveness and reprieve and how Tenoch refused to let up. Tenoch could have confessed that night, could have told Julio he fucked Cece too, that they were even. The contrite look in Julio’s eyes had pleased him too much. Julio stripped down to his underwear, regretful and lost as Tenoch grabbed at his jaw fiercely, forcing their eyes to meet. Tenoch’s own apology felt like a blur in comparison to the detail. 

Tenoch curls on his side under the thin comforter and wishes he could block out the musty scent of it. Shutting his eyes, he tries to clear his mind of all the bullshit so he can sleep. He hears Julio shift in the bed on the other side of the room and his own breathing stills.

“Tenoch,” Julio says into the dark. 

“Yeah,” Tenoch answers, sounding more rough than he’d meant to.

“What were you going to say earlier?” 

A spike of panic settles in Tenoch’s ribs at the pointed question.

“When?” If he feigns indifference perhaps Julio will let it lie. Julio huffs, frustrated.

“You know when. Today on the roadside.” Tenoch is silent.

“What didn’t you mean?” Julio repeats.

“I don’t know. Can’t we just forget-”

“No, I should have made you answer earlier...I should have fucking left you there.”

Julio’s voice is harder now than it had ever been when he was yelling over Cece. The light flicks back on with force, nearly as blinding as Julio suddenly coming close and pulling Tenoch’s shoulder until they’re facing one another.

“Julio,” Tenoch tries to answer, tries to get out something false and spiteful but comes up empty. Julio watches him, just as still though his fists clench at his sides. Tenoch sits up and crosses his arms over his chest. He can feel how his skin is flushed and hates it.

Julio pushes at his shoulder again, this time in petty violence. Tenoch nearly falls off the bed and he reaches out to grab at Julio’s shirt, pulling him down too and regretting it instantly. Julio’s weight crushes onto him, the places their bodies meet burning like salted Earth. 

“Fuck you,” Tenoch forces out, pushing back against Julio to escape. They wrestle harshly, ragged, and yet neither really goes for pain. Tenoch reaches out to pinch at Julio and feels his wrists captured above his head. Julio straddles him locking his thighs in place as Tenoch tries to catch his breath. 

“Tell me and I’ll let you go, tell me what you didn’t mean last night.” The words are just as raw as Tenoch feels.

Tenoch hates the way the hum in his stomach feels the same in spite of it all, the low swoop of want he’d felt toward every girl he’d ever dreamt of touching. Julio is staring him down, waiting and determined. Tenoch wants to spit in Julio’s face, he regrets ever talking to him that day in the hallway. Restricted, he leans up to try and do just that, but Julio leans in at the same time. Their noses bump uncomfortably and Julio’s mouth overtakes Tenoch’s in a biting kiss. It’s nothing like the seeking drunken lips of the night before, nothing about it screams affection. Tenoch opens his aching jaw and lets himself be consumed. Julio loosens his grip on Tenoch’s wrists and it’s just enough for him to break free. Instead of pushing Julio on the floor like his heart screams to, Tenoch tangles his fingers in Julio’s hair, pulling harshly to better align them. The friction between them is too much. The press of Julio’s body against his painfully hard cock makes him feel like he’s burning up.

Julio kisses him again and Tenoch is braced for another war, only to be met with softness. Tenoch is so caught off guard that he whimpers into Julio’s mouth, giving away far too much. Julio pulls back from the kiss and noses down Tenoch’s throat, panting wetly against his skin. With his mouth unoccupied Tenoch knows he could say anything and make Julio stop. He bites his lip instead.

“Tenoch,” Julio murmurs and between the drag of his tongue and the sound, Tenoch comes. He feels shuddery and almost panicked in the aftermath, but Julio is there, with a warm gasp and arms circling around Tenoch even as he struggles to stand and run. Tenoch cries, not wracking sobs but still feeling torn through as hot tears roll down his cheeks. He tries to duck his chin so Julio won’t see and spit the emotion back at him. Julio must know though, even as he whispers softly between them. 

“Tell me you didn’t mean it,” Julio says. Tenoch nearly gives in, but the words feel stuck in his throat. Julio doesn’t raise his voice again, just presses closer with his lips brushing the side of Tenoch’s brow as he repeats.

“Tell me.”

“I can’t.” Tenoch sounds completely throttled. “I can’t tell you anything.”

Julio sighs and he’s silent for a moment. Julio brings up a hand to cup Tenoch’s jaw and forces his gaze up to meet his own red rimmed eyes. He presses forward again and closes the distance between their tired lips. It’s the most innocent kiss Tenoch has ever received. 

“If it’s worth anything to you, I love you too,” Julio says and Tenoch’s ears buzz with the words, trying to unhear them and go back. Tenoch should feel suffocated under Julio’s pressing weight, but he doesn’t dare to move. Julio shifts, reaching to turn the light off again without losing contact even as Tenoch turns on his side to face the wall. Part of him expects Julio to go after a moment but he feels the boy’s arm curve over his side, his hand resting on Tenoch’s bare stomach. 

Tenoch’s heart vibrates at the sensation, but somehow he breathes through it. He shuts his eyes and focuses only on the ambient noise of the room , the clanking air conditioner unit and the hush of intermittent cars passing in harmony, until the sound of their shared breathing is just another part of it.

***

Tenoch slides out of bed first, alarmed when he looks over to see it's almost noon. It had been so easy to sleep in Julio's arms and Tenoch can't let himself dwell on what that means. Slipping from Julio’s embrace, he’s careful not to wake him, not wanting to face the confrontation. Watching Julio shift on the worn mattress, he feels terrified at the flush of desire he still feels. Tenoch tugs at his shorts where they’ve stuck to his skin uncomfortably. He goes to the bathroom and cleans himself off with a washcloth as shame rushes through him. He stares in the dingy mirror and sees a stranger, wondering how many mornings he will wake up with this regret. 

The door opens a crack after a soft knock. Tenoch answers and shuffles out of the closed space without meeting Julio’s eyes in the exchange. Tenoch dresses quickly and grabs his bag, scared that if he stays in the room facing Julio’s practically untouched bed he might go insane. He goes down to the desk and checks out with a false smile to the clerk before he shuffles out the door. 

Tenoch sits on a bench by the doorway, wishing he’d stolen the pack of cigarettes off the nightstand, wondering if Julio will even remember them. Julio comes out soon after and shoots Tenoch a half smile. Julio is so close beside him, bag thrown over one shoulder and the other hand dangling between them almost like he wants to reach out. Tenoch jams his own hands into his pockets and walks faster toward the car. 

Tenoch throws his bag into the back and heads toward the driver’s side until Julio speaks. “I’ll drive.” 

Tenoch shrugs impassively, not wanting to argue, not wanting to speak at all for fear of what might come out. He goes to the passenger seat and stares out the window as they get underway again. He knows they are still almost 400 miles from home and he just hopes the hours ahead will be uneventful. Julio turns on the radio this time, leaving it on a station playing some American song Tenoch has never heard. 

Julio only breaks the silence when Tenoch’s stomach grumbles.

“We should have grabbed breakfast back at the hotel,” Julio says. If Tenoch were less stubborn he would agree.

“I’m not hungry,” Tenoch lies. Julio shoots him a look.

“I’m stopping for gas anyway.” Tenoch crosses his arms over his chest but doesn’t protest.

It’s a few more stilted miles before he makes good on the promise. They go into the store together first, Julio to slide over the money for gas and Tenoch under the pretense of getting a drink. He wanders the aisles just for the reprieve. The clerk is watching him like he’s going to steal something and it almost makes Tenoch roll his eyes. He buys a bag of chips, a bottle of water, and goes. Julio is back in the car by the time Tenoch exits. Tenoch slides in the car wordlessly and they pull away.

Tenoch picks at the chips but doesn’t really feel like eating. His stomach is still tight with anxiety. Even as he tries not to pay attention to Julio, scenarios keep playing out in his mind, like a fork in the road. One where Julio lets Tenoch shut him out, the other where he actually makes them talk. Tenoch isn’t sure which would be worse. Tenoch had never meant for Julio to be his best friend in the first place. Maybe this trip had to happen for them both to remember that.

Julio starts looking at him again after a mile. It’s too familiar, intense and so close to how he’d looked at Tenoch the night before. Tenoch swallows at the warmth underlying that look, the same clear yearning that had forced Tenoch to turn away in the wake of their kiss. Tenoch feels like the whole affair was an out of body experience and were it not for the reminder it may have remained that way, distant and unwieldy. Julio’s green eyes make it a curse.

“What?” Tenoch spits out, mouth downturned and stubborn. Julio raises an eyebrow.

“So you can speak when it suits you,” Julio says. Tenoch furrows his brow, but almost wants to plead for Julio to drop it.

“Fuck you,” Tenoch says, shifting in his seat to turn his gaze away again until Julio’s words freeze him entirely.

“I meant it,” Julio says. Tenoch looks over and Julio’s eyes still look clear on the road, only daring glances back in his direction.

“Don’t,” Tenoch starts, but Julio speaks over him.

“I love you, and it really sucks.” There’s a jilted edge to the words and it makes Tenoch bite back, hackles raised.

“You don’t, you’re just a fucking fag. You’re confused.” 

“Only me?” Julio says with a harsh chuckle.

“Go fuck yourself.” Tenoch knows the way his voice trembles makes the curse weak.

“Why’d you let me stay last night, then?” Julio accuses. Tenoch doesn’t want to hear him anymore, hates feeling ambushed like this.

“Just drive, or stop. I’ll fucking hitchhike if that’s what you want.”

“So fucking overdramatic, you can’t even answer. Fuck, Luisa was right.”

“Luisa doesn’t know me.” Tenoch tries and fails not to think of how fiercely her words about them on the roadside had proven true.

“ _ I _ do though, you fucking forget that.” Julio won’t let up.

“Not half as much as you-” Tenoch is ready to tear him apart just to push him away, but Julio cuts him off.

“You look at me like I’m fucking dirt, you’re afraid your father is a criminal, you can’t stand being alone. You say you want to be a writer but you never fucking write because you’re too afraid you aren’t even any good. You’re a fucking coward!”

Tenoch chokes on the sentence he’d started. The comment about his father stings the most, surprisingly, of all the slings and arrows. He hadn’t looked his father in the eyes without guilt in years, a fact that had been one of Tenoch’s first confessions to Julio. It’s only fitting that Julio would use it now to tear them apart. If that’s what he wants, Tenoch is glad to finish it. 

“You’re right, you are dirt. We were friends because I fucking pitied you. I was the one who told everyone they’d be infected if they talked to you as a kid, looks like I was fucking right. You live in your fucking toilet of a home and only wanted a piece of my life anyway, well, you got that now with my come in your mouth and it’s fucking over.”

It’s the first time he’s even mentioned what happened and something still twists in his gut over it. Julio finally loses the higher ground, eyes flashing livid as his focus turns. 

“It probably was a fucking pity to you, but you don’t get to do that. You don’t just get to decide to lie to me after the beach, after last night. I felt your fucking heartbeat when I kissed your neck, I  _ know _ .” Julio’s eyes look glassy, like all the tension of the fight is coming down on him at once. Tenoch wants to mock as Julio swipes at tears but can’t when he’s on the precipice too. This should feel like a victory, but all he tastes is ash. 

Tenoch is about to bark back a response, lie and tell Julio he doesn’t know anything, but Julio’s distracted and the car drifts. Neither of their eyes are watching the road, too caught up in each other. There hadn’t been many cars for miles down the back roads and suddenly a car horn from the other lane blares out frantically. It’s a close call but Julio reacts, the station wagon rattling as the other car whooshes by, just clearing them. Tenoch’s heart is in his throat as they jolt back into their lane. Julio stares dead ahead at the road, eyes wide with shock as his hands shake.

“Fuck this, fuck. Pull over.” Tenoch’s fear overrides his anger for just a moment. Julio gives into his insistence this time and pulls off the road onto the shoulder. Julio cuts the engine and lays his head on the steering wheel.

“That would have been fucking great, fucking totaling my sister’s car. Fucking dying with you, you prick.” Tenoch can’t look at him, can’t speak, throat tight as he tries not to hyperventilate. He won’t give Julio the satisfaction of losing it, not even now.

“You still won’t fucking say it. That car could have laid us out across the highway and you can’t.” Julio’s voice is sharp and vulnerable and the words make something pull in Tenoch’s chest, like a thousand misfiring pistons. He feels outside himself again as he slides close, into the space he’d once sat between Julio and Luisa. Tenoch is wrapping his arms around Julio desperately before he knows how to stop. Julio makes a pained sound but doesn’t push him away like Tenoch expects; instead, he turns, grasping back to pull Tenoch into his lap. Tenoch’s slender body just barely clears the steering wheel. They’re far enough off the road and the landscape is bereft enough that there’s no one to see or care. Julio lets his head rest against Tenoch’s shoulder, breathing ragged like a caught animal, hands coming up to fist in Tenoch’s shirt. Tenoch takes a labored breath of his own, aching in the comfort of the touch as something breaks between them. 

“I can’t love you,” Tenoch says and his voice is strained but it’s audible. Julio sighs and Tenoch trembles. Light filters through the open car windows making Julio look unreal, Tenoch feels transfixed at the way all his awkward angles shine. “I can’t.” Tenoch presses his lips to Julio’s exposed collarbone above the fabric of his ratty tank top. “I do.”

“I’m sorry,” Tenoch says, “I’m so fucking sorry.”

“You’re not, you never fucking apologize,” Julio says and he sounds so hurt but still, he doesn’t let go. Julio pulls back as much as he can in the small space to look at Tenoch. Tenoch swallows hard at the flush of Julio’s skin, eyes trailing over his lips unbidden as he bites his own. 

“Don’t kiss me again if you don’t mean it,” Julio says.

“I won’t,” Tenoch responds. Julio looks resigned for a moment until Tenoch pushes forward and presses their lips together. It’s not a good kiss, it’s messy and Tenoch’s jaw still hurts from the night before, but it’s real. It doesn’t descend into the same frenzy of last night, Julio doesn’t let it, taking the control Tenoch so easily offers up with parted lips. For all he’s run from this, Tenoch realizes he’s never felt so safe. He’s still scared, but the anchor of Julio’s hands on his hips, pressing soft, lets him sink away from the world for once. Tenoch wonders if this is the feeling people chase in each other, if he could continue to take it for granted knowing Julio would give it so easily.

***   


The familiarity of the city doesn’t make Tenoch feel any more sure in his skin. If anything it does the opposite, each beacon of the city reminding him of who he is, who he can’t be. Dusk falls as they drive through, the bustle of people and blocks of apartments giving way to the quieter, more wealthy sector as they near the grounds of the Iturbide estate. Tenoch’s family isn’t even home, but the guard lets them pass through the front gate and up the drive with a bored nod. Tenoch lets their hands brush accidentally in the valley of worn leather between their seats, some finality in the way they both refuse to clasp hands. Tenoch wants to say something, but stops the tender words in his throat from escaping. Tenoch hadn’t earned the patience offered, after the stuttered kisses and things unsaid, but Julio gave it still. 

“Don’t make me cry again, asshole, I have to get us home,” Julio had said when they finally pulled apart earlier. Tenoch had choked out a laugh, shifting back into his seat. They both buckled their seatbelts for possibly the first time in the entire trip and something in the air seemed to lift, just enough to get them through the hours.  

He unclicks the seatbelt now, as Julio shuts off the engine. Even in the stillness Tenoch feels like a blurred photograph, overexposed and captured. 

“I’ll call,” Tenoch says, wanting badly to mean it. 

"Okay," Julio says, looking skeptical but accepting the final words between them. Tenoch nods awkwardly and gets out, grabbing his bag from the backseat and going to the front door where he fiddles with the keys a moment. He doesn’t look back, but he hears the engine start, the roll of tires fading down the walk until Julio is gone.

Tenoch goes to bed. 


	2. Julio

It’s almost painful, sitting here next to Tenoch after everything that’s happened. Julio watches, out of the corner of his eye, Tenoch’s hands on his knees, restless, wandering. The road is endless in front of them, some yawning chasm of open sky waiting to swallow all the words that Tenoch will never say. He’s used to it by now, the volumes that Tenoch could write, pages and chapters and novels but for him there is nothing but bluster. He’s used to it, hands clenched tight in his pocket so he doesn’t reach out. He grips the steering wheel, white knuckled and terrified at how Tenoch leans further and further away from him for each mile that passes. The sky swallowing him whole and alive and silent in this car. 

Tenoch flips on the radio, skipping across the dial with blunt tipped fingers. He pauses once, half formed memories skimming behind a haze of smoke at the edge of Julio’s mind, then twists back ‘round to another song. His heart jerks at the abruptness of it, and he knows he isn’t the only one remembering. He wants to stab at the radio, shut out the false brightness of the music and scream at Tenoch to speak words that are real and true and only for him. Instead he flicks the corner of his mouth up into a spare smile and drives and drives and drives. The radio speaks the substitute language for him, the give and take of him, the here and gone of him. Julio tugs down the brim of his hat against the sun bearing down on them and pretends that he can’t still feel the evidence of yesterday in the tenderness of his mouth. Tomorrow this will be just another memory, another song skipped past on the radio dial. 

Another five miles pass before Tenoch starts trying to talk. It’s all bullshit, deflection about sand in the car. Julio doesn’t have the energy to fall back into their stupidity, not with the dregs of a hangover clawing at the back of his head. Still he finds himself bringing up how happy Luisa had looked. Maybe that’s his own sort of deflection, because seeing Luisa happy eased the weird ache he’s felt in his chest since they met. Not happy like she’d been on the drive out, overly bright and cheerful with something haunting around her eyes. She was like Tenoch that way, filling the car with noise and never saying anything worthwhile. He wishes he could be like her, brave enough to climb out of the fucking car and walk away. He isn’t.

“When we get home Saba is going to be jealous we didn’t invite him,” Tenoch says. More likely, Saba was too stoned to notice they’d even left, but he’ll feed into Tenoch’s ego anyway, make all the right distressed noises that make Tenoch feel like he’s won. 

Julio deflects. “I think he’ll just be shocked we got anywhere with his bullshit directions.”

“Do you even know how to get back?” The question is surprising, mostly because they’ve been driving for an hour already. Of course Tenoch is used to the world ordering itself around him, he can’t be bothered to pay attention to what direction they’ve been driving. Julio doesn’t have that luxury, the closest he comes to a chauffeur is the bus driver and they don’t change their route for him. 

“Well enough, if we get off track we’ll be back towards a town soon enough.” Julio says, “Chuy gave pretty good directions anyway.” He catches the brief twitch of confusion before Tenoch reconciles the name with the man they spent the last day and a half with. He wonders, not for the first time, what exactly it was about him that made Tenoch bother to learn his name. 

His mouth feels detached from his body, running through the motions of conversation. Eventually they lapse back into silence, only the cadence of the radio sliding in and out of reception to break up the still air between them. Tenoch fidgets and shifts, restless against the cracked vinyl seat like he can’t decide if he’s here or somewhere else. He flips open the glove box, a half crushed pack of cigarettes inside. There’s some metaphor there, like his heart, like their relationship, everything fucked sideways because of Luisa and her insistent mouth. 

“D’you have a lighter?”

“Yeah, I think in my bag.”

Then they’re pulled over, on some dusty strip of land in the middle of nowhere. Maybe it’s the same place they hit on the way out, Luisa wet and soft in his lap, Tenoch a live wire running away from them. The memory forces him out of the car faster, slamming the door shut behind himself instead of telling Tenoch to piss off and find it himself. He’s not a fucking chauffeur. 

Tenoch climbs out of the car, walking around the front to sidle up at his hip. He passes the cigarettes over, watching as Julio lights one. In another life, or yesterday, Tenoch would have stolen the cigarette out of his mouth, because Tenoch believes that everything in the world is his by right. Maybe that’s why things are so fucked between them, because Tenoch is so used to getting what he wants that he can’t appreciate earning anything. Of course, that just makes Julio more the fool for wanting him back. He passes over the cigarette and lights another, dragging the smoke into his lungs to push back the words he refuses to say first. 

He can’t stop himself from looking, cataloguing the inhale of breath and the way Tenoch touches his tongue against the cigarette filter nervously. He looks like he’s out of sync with the world, like those dubbed japanese movies where the words never line up with moving lips. He takes quick pulls of smoke like it’s a joint instead of nicotine drugging his system. Maybe a joint would have been better, soften the sharp edges jutting out of them. 

“I didn’t mean it,” Tenoch says, lies spilling off his tongue with a plume of smoke. 

Julio’s throat tightens to a vice grip, like Tenoch has wrapped both hands around his throat. He might prefer that, a physical threat he could fight back against. 

“What?”

“Last night. We were drunk, right?” He doesn’t know why he bothered asking, he already knew the direction they were going, cardinal points always leading Tenoch to run south to his north. The truth is that they were drunk. Drunk and caught with Luisa between them, pushing them together like an inevitability ever since she said ‘fuck each other’ from the backseat of this car, anger bleeding into the air. 

Tenoch spouts off more bullshit, but Julio has stopped listening. He storms off, slamming the door to the car and Julio forces himself to stand and finish the cigarette. Maybe it will kill him faster so he can stop letting Tenoch hurt him. 

He gets back in the car, continues driving away from what will probably be the last time Tenoch ever touches him. Tenoch falls asleep, face turned away toward the half open window. The sun stutters out his reflection at every passing tree, flickering away. His mouth is a thin line to match the crease between his eyes and Julio aches and aches and drives. 

***

Three hours in and it starts to rain, the taste of wet dirt crawling into his mouth. Julio turns to shake Tenoch awake, but he’s already bleary eyed twisting in his seat.

“We’re almost … somewhere. We could stop unless you want to keep driving.” He needs to get out of the car at some point, stretch his muscles and get out of Tenoch’s space before he loses his mind. 

Tenoch looks out at the rain, his eyes glancing off of Julio in passing. “We should stop,” he says. His voice is calm but his eyes skitter. Julio’s pulls into town, turning into the parking lot of the first motel with a vacancy sign. The rain takes a cue from his mood, torrential downpour making false ponds in the potholed lot. 

“Make a run for it?” He’d rather be soaked through than sit in the humid enclosure of the car one more minute, breathing in Tenoch’s exhaled air. 

“Yeah, gonna shower anyway. Might as well go for it.”

He nods in agreement and reaches into the backseat to grab something halfway clean to put on after. They dart across the lot, shoes soaked through with red clay stained water in seconds. Julio thinks absently that Tenoch will just buy another pair, while he’ll have to try to wash his out, just another item added to the list of things that separate them. At the desk, Tenoch asks for a room with two beds. Julio would protest, ask for his own room, but he can’t afford to push for a separate space. Instead he spends himself, in kindness to the desk clerk, conversation that Tenoch can’t be bothered with. He does it because it’s right, but also because he can see how much it agitates Tenoch, and he doesn’t hold ownership over being petty. 

The victory makes him bold and he asks, “Mind if I shower first?” with his feet already moving toward the propped open door. He almost expects a fight but Tenoch somehow manages to roll with the shifting mood between them, collapsing back onto one of the two beds. 

He forces himself to take a moment, to push past the ingrained habit of quick showers forced by a temperamental water heater and his mother interrupting him mid-jack to bitch about the water bill. Still he’s out before the mirror has a chance to fog, towel slung around his hips and an empty room waiting for him. 

“Fuck.”

His heart crawls up his throat, the knowledge that he can’t pay for this room if Tenoch ditches him warring with panic over how he’ll get home. The fact that he accepts this as a possibility settles like a lead weight on his chest. He pulls on his briefs, roughly towelling himself off. Maybe he can convince the old lady at the desk to take pity on him, she’d been happy enough to have someone to listen to her stories on the way in. 

Tenoch pushing his way back into the room almost feels like a letdown once he’s wrapped his mind around being abandoned. He schools his face back toward nonchalance, chuckling like this is some great cosmic joke. “Shit, thought you’d…” Tenoch freezes, a deer caught between barriers on the highway. “Nevermind, doesn’t matter.”

Grabbing his bag, Tenoch retreats into the bathroom, shoving the door closed and forcefully clicking the lock into place. Apparently he’s a threat now, what a fucking joke. 

Panic receding in Tenoch’s wake, Julio collapses onto the bed. The air conditioning unit clanks out intermittent bursts of tepid air, but the rain seems to have knocked the temperature back to a fairly comfortable degree. He lays on top of the bedspread, the faded pill of it rough against his side. He does not think of Tenoch in the shower, or Tenoch in the pool, or Tenoch under his hands in the dark of Oaxaca. Eventually the bathroom door opens and shuts and Tenoch climbs into his own bed. He flicks off the lamp on the stand separating the two beds, leaving them in the fluorescent glow of the parking lot lights and the crackling motel sign. He can hear Tenoch breathing, a vaguely stuffy inhale and huffed exhale. If he gets sick from this trip he’ll be unbearable. If he talks to Julio after this trip it will be a miracle. 

He decides, suddenly, that he can’t live with ‘if’ anymore. 

“Tenoch.”

Julio waits, breath held, for a response, Tenoch’s rasped “Yeah” enough to make the blood pound in his ears. 

“What - what were you going to say, earlier?”

Tenoch, as expected, deflects. “When?”

“You know when. On the roadside.” His silence is proof enough that he knows exactly what Julio means, nevermind that they only said maybe five words of substance to each other all day.

“You said you didn’t mean it. What didn’t you mean?”

“Just forget it. Go to sleep.”

Julio feels like he’s turning to stone inside, hands clenched into fists where they’re crossed over his chest. 

“Don’t fucking tell me to forget it. I should have left you there, you know. Would have served you right.”

He turns over and flips the lamp back on, momentum pulling him up out of bed to stand over Tenoch. He grabs at Tenoch’s shoulder, dragging him up until they’re facing each other. This isn’t a conversation to have with the wall. He needs to see Tenoch’s eyes when he lies again. 

He stutters out, “Julio” and it might be the only sincere sound that’s ever come out of his mouth, but it doesn’t last, anger sliding onto his face as he sneers. “Fuck you.”

Tenoch pushes, but Julio knows his weak points, knows the hardscrabble sort of fighting that doesn’t touch Tenoch’s gilded palace. Soon enough Tenoch is pinned to the bed, hands over his head and Julio’s weight pressed hip to hip. He lets his thighs fall open, straddling Tenoch’s lap. He could laugh at the hard press of Tenoch’s dick straining against him, except that he’s apparently turned on by violence as well. Instead he drops forward, surging against Tenoch’s mouth with an awkward collision of noses and cheeks. Julio bites at Tenoch’s lip, dragging a harsh breath out of him and falling into the addictive slide of his tongue. 

Julio loosens his grip, distracted long enough for Tenoch to pull his hands free. He winds them into Julio’s still damp hair, angling their mouths together and rocking up against the weight of Julio over his dick. Breaking free with a gasp, Julio brushes his hand over the clenched line of Tenoch’s jaw. This wasn’t what he wanted, some tumble that can be brushed away in the morning. He leans back in, brushing their mouths together softly. They have too many rough edges for anything to feel sweet, but it’s as close as he can get. He tips Tenoch’s jaw up, pressing his face against the soft skin of his throat, the scent of Julio’s cheap shampoo still clinging to his skin. He drags his tongue against the pulse pounding under the sanctuary of Tenoch’s jaw, murmuring out, “Tenoch” against his damp skin. 

Tenoch keens, low and sweet from his chest, cock jerking against Julio as he comes. He lets out a choked off gasp, breath hiccuping out. His hands clutch at Julio’s shoulders, pushing his weight off even as Julio gets both arms around his waist and pulls him close. Still, he can’t let this go. “Tell me you didn’t mean it.”

There’s no answer, but he needs this. He needs something to fill the carved out heart of himself. “Tell me.”

Tenoch chokes out, “I can’t. I can’t tell you anything.”

It’s not enough. 

Julio forces Tenoch to look at him, then lets himself have one last kiss, soft and chaste. 

“I love you. If that makes any difference.”

He leans over, one hand on Tenoch’s hip as he switches off the light, then pulls the curve of Tenoch’s back against his chest, hand over his stomach to keep him from running. Tenoch’s breath slows in increments and Julio lets the rise and fall of his chest and the slow ebb of adrenaline pull him toward sleep. 

***

The next day, Tenoch is the first one out of bed. It's almost noon, but Julio has been awake for a while, keeping his breathing slow and steady. He knows nothing’s been resolved, that every moment might be the one where Tenoch decides he isn’t worth the effort, so he fits this specific moment into his memory. Something to take out and examine later. Even if this ends, he wants to remember the first boy he ever loved and how he had felt, warm and heavy against his chest. 

It still stings a little, Tenoch twisting out from under his arm and heading for the bathroom. Julio holds his breath and waits for the sound of vomiting, deja vu from the day before. Today there’s only water running into the sink and the quiet noises of someone trying not to wake anyone else up. Julio climbs out of bed and crosses the room, knocking softly on the bathroom door and pushing inside when there’s no answer. 

They switch places, Tenoch sliding out and him into the bathroom. He takes a piss and washes his face, staring at his reflection in the cheap square of mirror set over the sink. He doesn’t look any different than yesterday, nothing new from when they left DF, but at the same time nothing can possibly be the same. 

Tenoch has packed and left by the time he comes out of the bathroom. Julio shoves his things into his bag, dragging on shorts and a ragged tank top, and heads back out toward the car. He’s surprised that Tenoch is waiting for him by the door, and he can’t help the way his mouth wants to twitch up into a smile. Maybe it’s messed up, how the bare minimum from Tenoch feels like some grand gesture.  

Tenoch gets up off the bench where he’d been waiting, carefully measured distance between them. Julio can feel the old lady at the counter watching them. She probably doesn’t think he’s such a nice boy anymore, not with how thin the walls in the motel are. Tenoch looks at him, letting his eyes slip away just as quickly. He shoves his hands in his pockets and heads out to the car. 

“Guess I’ll drive,” Julio calls out, following behind to toss his bag into the backseat alongside Tenoch’s. He only gets a shrug in response and then Tenoch folds himself down into the passenger’s seat, curled toward the window already. Julio shakes his head, mentally berating himself for thinking Tenoch could change because of one confession from him. He climbs into the driver’s seat and pushes a pair of sunglasses onto his face, metal frames already warm from the sun coming through the windshield. He flicks on the radio, some sort of American pop scratching through the speakers and pulls out onto the road. He hates that shit, but Tenoch hates it more so he leaves it there. It’s possible he’s feeling a little vindictive. 

A few miles in, Tenoch’s stomach growls loudly enough to be heard over the radio and the wind coming in through the open window. 

“Should have gotten breakfast at the motel,” Julio says, the beginnings of a laugh pulling at his voice.

Tenoch makes a face. He probably doesn’t even realize he’s doing it, but it reminds Julio of every time Tenoch has been in his apartment. Turning back toward the window, Tenoch grits out, “Not hungry.”

“Whatever, man. Gotta stop for gas anyway.” Sometimes dealing with Tenoch is exhausting. 

Julio pulls into the first gas station they come by, parking at the pump and heading into the store to pay for the gas. Tenoch follows along behind him, wandering up and down the aisles and poking at the chips lined up on the shelves. The clerk behind the counter watches Tenoch warily, sparing a tight smile for Julio when she hands over his change. 

He doesn’t stick around to find out how stubborn Tenoch is going to be, walking out to the car and spinning the gas cap off. Once the pump is running, Julio leans back against the side of the car, curving his spine back against the metal until something cracks. Neither he nor Tenoch are very tall or wide, but they aren’t made to fit on a twin bed together either. At home, Tenoch has a queen sized bed that Leo makes for him every morning, changing the sheets once a week. At home, Julio has a twin bed that once belonged to his sister, pink stickers permanently affixed to the cheap metal frame. His mother taught him how to change his sheets once, when he was seven. 

The pump shuts off and Julio pulls it out of the tank, spinning the gas cap back on until the threads click out a stuttered sound. Tenoch is still in the store, so he climbs back into the car and waits. Finally, he comes out, a bag of chips and a soda in his hands. He opens the chips, eating a few bites, then wiping the grease off against his shorts. Julio pulls back out onto the road. 

It doesn’t take long for Julio to finding himself watching Tenoch again. From the moment he’d slipped out of bed (away from Julio’s hands), Tenoch has looked on the verge of saying something. It probably isn’t what Julio has been waiting to hear, but they’ve got another five hours drive ahead and he can’t stand the tension anymore.

Finally, Tenoch spits out, “What?”

It feels like some kind of victory, but Julio manages to keep the grin off his face. “Oh, suddenly you can talk?”

Tenoch scowls, leaning forward in the seat. “Fuck you.” He turns back toward the window, his shoulders a tense line separating them. 

Julio stares out at the road, miles and miles of nothing ahead of them. Maybe he ought to just let this go. Maybe it isn’t worth tearing holes in himself over and over, waiting for Tenoch to stitch him up and getting nothing in return. He’s some sort of masochist, though. “I meant what I said.”

He darts a look over at Tenoch, hands clenched around the steering wheel. For as much as he means the words, saying them out loud in broad daylight might actually break him. Tenoch clenches his hand into a fist, presses up against the window. “Don’t,” he grits out. 

“I love you. God, it fucking sucks, but I do.” He can’t help how desperate he sounds, and he swallows back the choked feeling crawling up his throat. 

“You don’t know what you’re talking about. Never knew you were such a fag.”

A bitter laugh twists out of him. “Just me?” 

He doesn’t miss the way Tenoch flinches at that. He’s clenching his jaw so hard his teeth might break, and if Julio weren’t driving he’s pretty sure Tenoch would have already punched him. “Go fuck yourself.” 

Knowing he’s crossing the line, Julio can’t help but spit back, “You certainly didn’t stop me from staying with you last night, not after I’d made you come without even touching you.”

Tenoch won’t look at him anymore. “Fucking pull over. I’ll walk...or, or hitchhike. Whatever. I don’t have to put up with this bullshit.”

Julio smiles darkly, shaking his head. “God, everything always has to be so dramatic with you.” He looks over, trying to catch Tenoch’s eye. “Luisa was right about you.”

“She doesn’t know me.”

Julio scoffs. “I do. Or I ought to by now, since you never fucking change.”

Tenoch’s nostrils are flaring now, and he’s definitely looking up, meeting Julio’s eyes fiercely. “You don’t know shit about me, you little -”

Julio cuts him off. “You think I don’t see how you look at me, at my family, like we’re dirt. You think your father’s a criminal, but you’ll never do anything about it. Just like you won’t do anything about writing, because deep down you’re afraid you won’t be good enough. You’re afraid of anything that you can’t control with your money.”

Tenoch makes a strangled noise, like the air’s been pulled out of his chest, and he deflates a little. It only takes a second for the anger to surge back in though and he bites back. “I look at you like dirt because that’s what you are. I actually pity you some days, that you can’t see how much of a loser you are, clinging onto my ankles like I can drag you out of the sewer.” He pauses, then smirks. “I used to tell everyone that they’d get infected if they hung out with you. Guess I was right after all. Hope my come tasted good, because that’s the last piece of me you’re getting.”

Julio twists toward Tenoch angrily, letting go of the wheel with one hand so he can flip Tenoch off. “Don’t fucking lie to me. Not after what happened at the beach, after what happened last night! Your heart was racing, because of me, because  _ I _ was touching you. You can’t pretend that didn’t happen.”

There are tears in his eyes, making everything go blurry around the edges. It makes Tenoch look softer and that makes him want to cry more. He swipes at his eyes, ducking his head down and biting his lip. A horn blares, cutting through the claustrophobic feeling in the car, and Julio jerks the wheel to one side on instinct. He can feel the car shake, the car going the opposite direction just inches away as they speed past. Miles and miles of open road and he almost wipes them out because he turned to fight with Tenoch. Wouldn’t that be some sort of poetic justice, the two of them laid out bleeding on the road. It’s how he feels inside anyway. 

Tenoch grabs his arm, his eyes huge with terror. “Jesus Christ. Pull over! Fuck.”

All the air has constricted in Julio’s chest, but he manages to steer them onto the shoulder, slamming the shifter into park and shutting off the car. He drops his head onto the steering wheel, staring down at his shaking hands in his lap and muttering, “Just fucking great. Do you see what you do to me, you ass. We could have died.” He turns his head toward Tenoch, offhandedly noticing that he’s still crying, salt water dripping across the bridge of his nose. “You still won’t fucking say it, will you. You can’t, not even after we almost died in the middle of nowhere.”

Tenoch is breathing heavily, staring at Julio. For once, Julio has no idea what Tenoch is going to do. Then, suddenly, he’s sliding closer, one arm around Julio’s shoulder and the other around his waist. Julio lets out a sharp whine, grabbing at the back of Tenoch’s shirt and pulling him closer. He reaches down and pulls the lever to push the seat back, dragging Tenoch up and into his lap. He doesn’t care how they look or if anyone can see, Tenoch touching him is the only thing keeping him from crawling out of his skin right now. 

Sitting like this, Tenoch’s face is up above the top of Julio’s head. He pulls Tenoch against him, pressing his face against Tenoch’s shoulder and drawing in a ragged breath. 

“I can’t,” Tenoch says, quiet but strained. “I can’t love you.” 

Julio sighs, pushing Tenoch back. He can’t have this conversation without looking at him, it will be just like the night before, or the night before that. Tenoch bends down, dragging his mouth over Julio’s neck like he’s trying to etch the words there, tattoo his mark on Julio’s skin. “I do.”

Then he says, “I’m sorry.”

Julio pushes him back again. “You never say that. You don’t apologize for anything.” Julio knows he must look terrible, eyes red and watery, splotchy red across his cheeks from getting so agitated, but Tenoch is looking at him, his eyes darting back to Julio’s mouth over and over again. 

“Don’t kiss me if you don’t mean it, Tenoch.” He’s not sure if he’s asking for the kiss or warning Tenoch away anymore. 

“I won’t,” Tenoch says. Julio lets out a heavy breath, wishing he could stop doing this to himself, stop letting Tenoch get so close only so he can pull away again. Then Tenoch’s mouth is pressed against his own, too wet by half between their heavy breathing and the tears drying on Julio’s face. It’s possibly the worst kiss Julio has ever gotten, but he pushes up into it still, turning it into something softer and infinitely more real, anchoring Tenoch against his lap in the hopes that he won’t run.  

***

The sun is setting by the time they reach DF. Julio glances up at his neighborhood passing by, some kid from one of the apartments downstairs flipping him off as he drives past. Tenoch is quiet, looking out the window again. The sun brings out his profile in sharp relief, his sharp chin and thin mouth. He pulls past the gate of the Iturbide family complex, nodding at the guards behind their dark sunglasses. The distance between them seems to stretch as he gets closer to the house, and he rests one hand on the seat beside him. Tenoch’s knuckles brush against his. He can’t tell if it’s accidental or some sort of gesture, Tenoch’s eyes not meeting his. 

“Don’t make me cry, asshole, I still have to get us home,” he had said earlier, Tenoch clutched in his arms on the side of the road somewhere. Tenoch had laughed, smiled at him honestly for the first time in almost two days, like the sun breaking out of the clouds. 

He isn’t smiling anymore. 

Tenoch unbuckles his seatbelt, letting it slide through his hand as it retracts sluggishly away from him. Julio shifts the car into park and cuts the engine. Five hundred miles has come back between them in the time it took to drive up to the house. 

“I’ll call,” Tenoch says. He might even mean it, at the very least he thinks he does, but Julio doesn’t have the energy to push anymore. He just nods, says, “okay” as Tenoch climbs out, reaching through the open back window to grab his bags. He smirks and gives a half-hearted little wave. Julio doesn’t wait for him to go inside before he starts the car and throws the engine into reverse. The tires crunch on the gravel and the door to the house opens and shuts. Julio shades his eyes against the sun flaring red as it slips below the horizon. He rests his hand on the seat beside him, palm up. Waiting. 

Julio drives home.


End file.
